Do you recall the theme song from the popular 90’s sitcom The Fresh Prince of Bel Air with Will Smith’s rap “now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down.” Well, that’s exactly how I felt in my early twenties. Every part of my life seemed to be falling apart, from my home, which was never a safe haven for me but a place I dodged emotional bullets, to work, which ended up being my escape and a place to bury my misery and silent cries. I grew a shield of armour around me and let no one in.
I lived in a place of fear, misery and frustration and not able to see a way out. My internal screams were bouncing off the walls of my heart. My soul was being ripped apart. Tears of blood were flowing, I was slowly dying inside, living day to day like a corpse with one-word answers or nods of the head to show some sign of life, although it was slowly fading away.
I awoke one day with strange sensations in my body, I felt sick and when I went to the doctors, I found out I was pregnant. From that moment on it felt like someone had come along and lit a spark in me. Bright eyed and bushy tailed, I was elated in telling everyone I was having not one but two little babies, “its twin girls!” I proudly beamed.
The moment they came into this world and graced me with their presence, a further shift occurred. I was no longer feeling sorry for myself with my head down and playing the role of victim. I had something to live for, to protect and fight for. I transformed into a warrior princess, eat your heart out wonder woman, as warrior princess was here to kick some butt!
My girls became my main focus, and my worries were secondary. As a new mum I fumbled through sleepless nights, constant nappy changing and endless feeding. These two beauties were a gift of hope in the darkness of despair, not one but two lights blessing my life. As I held their bottles to feed them, rubbed their backs to wind them and bathed their delicate baby soft skin, in each of those moments, I was growing stronger and stronger. My heart becoming alive, it had a reason to pump now. My soul was picking up all its broken pieces and like a jigsaw puzzle putting them together again. My blood tears were now tears of joy, laughter and smiles, looking into the eyes of my babies giggling and gurgling. They were my biggest teachers in life, they taught me how to live, how to sing, to play, to laugh and most importantly how to love.
Day by day my resolve strengthened and I was able to turn my life from “upside down” to downside up. My newfound inner warrior princess fought every obstacle that came my way with fierceness. My samurai sword was out and I was slicing through anyone or anything that stopped me from being happy.
However, the fierceness also had its problems because I had gone from being timid, armoured and in distress to being loud, outspoken and direct, with flames roaring from my mouth burning all in my path, although this helped in the short term, ultimately it would destroy me too.
As I was bull dozing along my path creating destruction wherever I went. It dawned on me that maybe just maybe the middle path was for me. Not the one to the far left that had me crying into the depths of my soul and where no action was ever taken and not the path to the far right which led me to dramatic destruction. The optimum choice was the middle path of peace and calm, where I was centred, aligned, not only knowing my truth but living it each and every moment.
Manni Dillon 